Dear Hollywood #1

An open letter to Hollywood,

                This is an angry letter. So for those interested in a review for an interesting foreign film coming to a Redbox near you, please heed this warning! I am angry because as I grow older. Quality films are few and far between. Hollywood, that once divine land of cinematic milk and honey, has for the last few decades (I repeat, decades!) dumbed down our mass culture with sequels, prequels, remakes, and 3D orgies. That’s not to say that the 3D orgies are a bad thing, but let’s be real! How can one possibly excuse the latest Chipmunk sequel?? How many times can we possibly remake a movie before we forget what the original was ever about?! That’s why I’ve decided to take it upon myself to use this forum as a meditative tool to release my anger at the system that has taken and given me ever so much…

1.       NO MORE HOBBITS! Earlier this week, Peter Jackson announced that he was interested in turning the film adaptation of “The Hobbit” into a trilogy. Originally, the film was slated to be just one coherent unit. Once Harry Potter decided to split its last chapter into two films (a decision that makes reasonable sense considering the intimidating girth of the book), movie studios followed suit turning simple films and dividing them in half (e.g., Twilight, Hunger Games). I read “The Hobbit” when I was in middle school, I even saw the disturbing animated version (nightmares of the grotesque looking characters still haunt my dreams alongside the velociraptors from “Jurassic Park”). I always felt that the movie would serve its purpose well as one solitary movie. By splitting it into three parts, Peter Jackson and the money-hungry accountants he’s working with are making it plain that they are sacrificing their own artistic integrity into a cash-cow. Let’s be honest! Peter Jackson hasn’t made a good movie since “Lord of the Rings” (“King Kong” was all right but “The Lovely Bones”? “Tintin”? You’re kidding!). I can only hope that this gamble pays off. I wouldn’t be upset at an attempt to make lots of money if the product they were selling was good enough, I feel that dividing the films into three parts is just spreading the story too thin.

2.       UMMM THEY ALREADY FOUND ‘NEMO’!? Pixar announced that they were going ahead and developing a sequel to “Finding Nemo”. You hear that noise? It’s your childhood getting washed down the drain! Pixar, you’ve been scaring me lately. First you went sequel and made that horrible film “Cars 2”, then you went lifeless when you made “Brave” (It was a good movie, it just wasn’t a good “Pixar” movie). Now you got another sequel for “Monsters Inc.” coming next year and then another “Toy Story” film (You don’t know how many nights I stayed up worried that you would jump the shark on Woody and Buzz). Pixar!?! You used to be the mecca for animated films! “The Incredibles”, “Wall-E”, and “Up” are classic! What happened? Oh…right…you went corporate and now your adopted mother company, Disney, looks like it’s making more interesting films (see “Wreck-It-Ralph”). I know why this is! Andrew Stanton flopped with his film “John Carter” (slightly underrated, this is not your fault, Andrew!) and now he’s being pushed against a brick wall to save his career. Don’t do it! Really! You’re better than this! I just need to stop crying and relax…Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep Swimming, Just Keep…uh…aaaaaaargh!

3.       I’M DIZZY! PLEASE NO MORE SPIN-OFFS! Dreamwork Films is interested in creating a spin-off to the film “Despicable Me”. Remember the lovable minions? The ones that speak complete and utter gibberish?! Yeah, those morons are getting a movie. Ok, you know why certain characters work? It’s because we’re not drowning in their stories. Captain Jack Sparrow was a great character because he was not in every scene of the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies but when he was the main character of the last film “On Stranger Tides”, he seemed absolutely boring! That’s because sidekicks, comic reliefs, and other interesting minor characters work well in small doses (that’s why the main character of movies are usually the least interesting thing in the movie!). Remember, “Puss in Boots”? Horribly done. How about “The Scorpion King”? Ugh! Ok, “Get Him to the Greek”, “Evan Almighty”, “Elektra”, “Wolverine”, the list goes on and on! I also hear rumors that Anne Hathaway’s character in “The Dark Knight Rises” might get her on spin-off! Umm, do you not remember? We did that already with Halle Berry, it was called “Catwoman”! That movie was also horrible!

Ok, Hollywood! Now you hear what I have to say, you can either take it or leave it. It’s really up to you. I hope you remember my words when your movie bombs at the box-office and you wonder why!

Sincerely,

A Fan of Movies